Poems & Stories Page

By - Patrick J. Keady

This page will easily be the longest page out of all my pages. It is a compilation of all my writings (mainly my latest ones) which mainly revolve around my love for my ex-wife and daughter. Some is general writing...just beginnings of stories and such.

 

Eternal Love Endures

I dedicate this story to my ex-wife Rebekka…I’m not giving up Bekk.

Lately, for me, it hasn’t been a question of "When will my life get better?" but more a question "How can it get any worse?" I finally argued myself into not posing that latter question because every time I did my life always pulled out another miracle of tribulation. It wasn’t always like that though…no, I remember days when the sun would shine and the birds would sing and I was completely…hmm…I was completely miserable. I am going to tell you a story now…and although it’s about myself, the real message is about hope, honesty, and love…three very important characteristics to have in ANY kind of meaningful relationship. These three characteristics I lacked in the one relationship that REALLY meant anything to me…and now I cry myself to sleep because the girl I let down is happy in another’s arms.

It all started, as do most early relationships, in high school. I was in the midst of a long-distance relationship that could most aptly be defined as a burning airplane headed for a giant mountain. I was holding on with all my might to that relationship, but then I met a girl who gently eased my heart out of captivity and showed me that there is so much more to life than fighting to be happy in an unhappy relationship. She taught me this lesson unselfishly and asked nothing in return but my friendship and companionship through the dark hours and bumpy roads. She was and will always be, to me, the most magnificent human being on this planet.

We met while in a yearbook camp together and slowly learned of one another’s personality. Like a person gently settling into a nice hot bath we took our time and enjoyed each other’s friendship. Even to this day I think that our best times together were not when we were married and living together, but when we were friends and doing friend things together.

Because when you "fall into love" as they say, a curtain is drawn around you and your lover and for a while that is all that exists in that mutual relationship. But eventually the two of you start to struggle for that friendship that you seemed to have lost and then while in the midst of that struggle you fail to see that you are pushing one another farther and farther apart.

The van our yearbook teacher took us to the camp in was small and fairly cramped but we passed the time talking and playing cards. Although the camp went fairly quickly and uneventfully we would never forget the little things that drew us closer as friends. Then that last part of summer after the camp went by quickly and before I knew it school started and thus did our yearbook class.

I didn’t recognize her right off even though she sat straight across from me. She had glasses at the summer camp, but now she had contacts and I kept wondering who that beautiful girl was in front of me. I could have sworn that I had met everyone at the camp, but I did not remember her. Then our teacher introduced the editors of the class. I was the sports editor…and then the teacher introduced Rebekka, the people-section editor. My mouth almost dropped and I could not believe that this was the girl I had spent most of the camp with. I think it was then, while watching her introduce her page ideas to the class that I really fell in love with her. She says she fell in love with me when she first saw me getting on the van to the camp…but I think it wasn’t until that moment when she was standing up in class that I heard something whisper words like; "forever, eternally, and love" to my heart.

For a while I timidly held back wondering if she felt the same for me. We exchanged mutual smiles and worked with one another when the time called for it…but I never had the guts to actually explore my feelings with her.

One cold October afternoon after school let out, I began my typical trek towards home. When behind me I heard a honk. I looked up to see a tan mercury topaz pull next to me and sure enough it was her. The one I had been thinking about day and night, the one who I couldn’t keep my eyes off in class, the one I think I loved. She offered me a ride and from then on we became an item.

That same October, closer to Halloween we decided to skip the Sadey-Hawkins dance and instead go on a hayride with her friend’s church group. We arrived and exchanged sick looks as we glanced at the old rusted bus that over two-dozen sweaty bodies were jammed into. They all had big goofy grins riding their faces and they were all getting ready to go sit on the back of a truck full of hay that was probably in worse condition than that dilapidated bus. They prayed before they started the engine (I prayed that it would actually start) and then they turned the key. The bus hiccupped and sputtered and rolled to life. The bus shook worse than an earthquake and we both (without consulting each other) stood up and got off the bus. That was our first date and that day would be October 26th 1997. Why is this date important - because exactly one year later we were married.

Our marriage was a typical one I would say. I wore a white tuxedo with a blue undercoat and my beautiful wife wore a gorgeous white dress garnished with sparkling sequins. When I finally saw her walking towards me down the aisle my breath was instantly taken away from me and I fell in love all over again. All my worries and confusion fell to the floor and at last I knew that what I was doing was the most important thing in the world. At this time Rebekka was about three months pregnant with our first child but it didn’t show in the least.

After our marriage, however, things began to downslide. I tried to play the supportive husband and love her as much as I could. But I didn’t try hard enough. Every single thing slowly began turning into a fight, and I lost sight of the fact that Rebekka was my wife and my "forever". I began treating her as I would anyone else I got in a verbal fight with. I called her names and she returned by calling me worse names…and so it became a corrupt, sick, contest to see who could piss the other off more. Rebekka would often go to bed crying and inside I felt bad, but I covered it up by trying to be the "tough" one and the one who didn’t hurt. I was so out of touch with my true self at this time that there was no going back, not without help anyway, and it slowly got worse and worse.

On March 12th 1998 our daughter, Jessikka, was born. This was one of the most miraculous events in my life and I’m sure Rebekka’s too. To have no one there and an instant later have an actual human being in your arms is just incredible. And to think that the two of us made that beautiful baby girl and that she is now ours was just incredible. I went home that afternoon after our daughter was born and cried. I cried for my lack of love in the past months, I cried out of joy, I cried to get in touch with myself again. The birth of our child brought us so much closer and what was, just a week or two ago, a failing relationship became a new adventure that we both were happy to embark on together.

But as things became routine again and the stress of school and work mounted…the ugly side of life took another hit on both of us. Fighting again permeated the small apartment we lived in and our daughter knew only our screaming at times. I was not proud of my life at that time. I wanted to be so much more than I was and life just wasn’t moving fast enough for me. I felt like a car stuck in second just begging to be pushed into third. I wanted something, I was lacking something, but I did not know what. Eventually I gave a name to my feelings. I could not quite understand them, so I decided that I did not love Rebekka any more…and even though we had gone through this much it just wasn’t quite filling that empty part inside me. That empty part that I would later discover was the love I lacked for myself.

I met Jennifer back when I lived in Oregon. She was a girl I met, again, in yearbook class and for some reason she captured my attention and my heart. I wrote her every now and then, but in the past year we had lost touch with one another and I began to miss hearing from her. Enter the woman who would eventually tear Rebekka and I apart, possibly forever.

As Rebekka and I talked peacefully less and less, Jennifer and I communicated via email more and more. I found that she shared this undying feeling of intrigue and attention for me. I call it intrigue and attention because those are the things I lacked at times and because to say we loved one another…well I believe that now to be a misconception of feelings on both our parts.

Finally on December 30th 1998 I flew down to Oregon to see Jennifer for the first time in years. I again was captured by her beauty and charm when I saw her and got wrapped up in the thought of being happy and fulfilled again. I transferred jobs fairly easy enough and my car was packed to the limit when I left Idaho. Rebekka cried and I told her I was sorry but I couldn’t "live this lie" any longer. We had a final dinner together at a local restaurant, and the next morning about five a.m. I left for Oregon to be with Jennifer.

Rebekka and I were officially divorced in mid February of 1999 as Jennifer and I moved into an apartment together. Rebekka would spend the next six months lonely and depressed as she raised Jessikka and tried to make a living working two jobs and at one time working three. All this time she continued to go to college full time and bust her butt to be the best she could.

Jennifer and I were engaged to be married but as due to me, hardships arose in that relationship as well and we eventually split. A break up that would hurt me tremendously and push me back to Idaho to be closer to Jessikka and my parents.

Rebekka and I got back together after I returned and to my surprise she was willing to give me her love and her trust back. I was still spinning over Jennifer and couldn’t believe how things had fallen apart so quickly for us. But Rebekka was still here pushing for a better future and working for her goals and I admired that in her. I admired it because it was a trait that I lacked and the fact that she was so strong mentally and emotionally and the fact that I was so weak brought me closer to her and made me want to be with her.

So after six months apart Rebekka and I were a team again and this time nothing would tear us apart. Especially not another woman…I knew I had screwed up and done some bad things and I paid for it. I had to talk to Rebekka’s parents face to face and apologize for what I had done. Her grandparents, like the loving people they are, forgave me and welcomed me back…realizing that even good people make a mistake now and then.

We finally moved into a beautiful new three-bedroom apartment, which was perfect for the family. Jessikka was growing into a lovely little gal and at fourteen months she was one of the smartest little girls I had ever seen. We were once again a happy family full of love and everything seemed to be going perfect…too perfect as a matter of fact.

The fighting started again and this time it started out slowly and got worse and worse. Every time we both said things we didn’t mean and that sick, cruel game began anew. Rebekka again cried herself to sleep at nights and I still hadn’t learned how to act. My immaturity level was as high as it could get and instead of comforting her I would leave and go for a drive and selfishly think about only my feelings. I felt that if it was my job to make myself feel better after a fight than it was her job to do the same for herself. Little did I realize all that time we just needed to be together to talk things out like adults instead of slamming the door and walking out like a child.

I became more and more withdrawn from the relationship. My job was not going right again and I got depressed. I got so depressed that one night I cut my arms and locked myself in my room. I wrote Rebekka a note saying that it was not her fault and that I just couldn’t handle things any more. My blood got onto the note as I slid it under the door…and then the police showed up. I was put into a psychiatric facility on police hold for a mental evaluation and while in there and had my first major break through. I started to really get in touch with myself and I started to learn how much I really loved Rebekka.

But it was too late for Rebekka and I. We gave it one more try with counseling this time but I knew I had to get away. I knew that I loved Rebekka very much and I would not deny that fact to myself or to her…but our fighting was still uncontrollable and after one very bad fight I left to my parents.

My friend and I moved into our own apartment across town while I got time to think about what I wanted and how to go about getting what I truly wanted. While living there I was given a full mental evaluation by a local doctor and put on depression medicine. I took the time off from Rebekka to really dwell on my feelings for her and let the reality of my life sink in. I saw where my life was headed and like a record with a skip I knew I would keep going through the same problems over and over if I did not do something about it.

While apart I wrote several letters to Rebekka, most that I never gave her. I wrote many poems and I fought to understand myself. I eventually learned that the problem was not with me not loving Rebekka…but with me not loving myself. Inside I was terrified of what I had become and when I got comfortable or happy with someone I pushed that person away in fear. I was so afraid that things would start to go so well and I would get my hopes up for a bright future and then I would have to deal with a major set back. I did not want to fight for an unattainable goal and with my self-esteem (or lack thereof) and my deficiency of respect for myself…I knew that I had a lot of growing up to do before I could make myself happy let alone make another happy.

And then I got the news that would change my life forever and push me so far into the blackness that even a candle would not help me get out. She was in love with another guy. Her and this guy (whose name I shall leave out) spent time together doing things as friends and she once again had attained those feelings that she thought she had lost forever with me. This guy and her started sleeping together and as she spent her nights warm and finally happy, I spent my nights drinking and partying. I got involved with the wrong guys and the wrong situations and slowly my depression, instead of going away, grew tremendously. I eventually lost not only my apartment but I lost my job and that hard earned self-respect I had been making for myself vanished in an instant. Many nights I would sit at home and think about Rebekka. I would go by her apartment (which is still the one we got together as a family) and see his truck parked outside. I knew that where I usually would sleep next to her he now laid, keeping her warm and happy. Satisfying her in only the ways that I used to. Being her number one man, being her only man…being her "forever". And I cried.

The cold feeling of a barrel pressed to my temple became familiar to me as I contemplated giving up several nights. With empty beer bottles a strew and pictures of Rebekka in front of me I would think of our fun times. I would beg myself to not give up and to keep trying for Rebekka. And so I did. I called her constantly and told her how sorry I was…how I knew now that this was different and that she is not someone I should have taken for granted. I told her my feelings on her new boyfriend and how I wanted to be her number one. But alas my attempts drew to a halt when I came to the cold truth that she was tired of my games…and that one last chance was not going to happen. And again I cried. This time I cried because of my heart. I cried because my heart yelled to me…as if it did not understand the meaning of "NO". It yelled, "But I love her…but I love her, and I know now that I do". I fought with my conscience day and night and I fought with the fact that I had lost the only thing that was real to me.

Rebekka had smiled at me when I was being silly. She laughed at me when I wanted her to laugh. She held me when I needed a hug. She loved me when I was lonely. She dried my eyes when I needed to cry. She told me that it would be okay. And when it was her turn I did the same for her. Memories flashed back painfully of better times of actual feelings…and I relived those feelings for an instant. And then they were gone again leaving me with a burning desire to retrieve them. Ashes upon ashes worth of burnt up hopes fell inside me as realizations built on top of realizations. My nightly prayers became routine sayings with tear-streaked cheeks I would pray, "Yes, God, it is true that I have lost my angel that you sent down to me. I ruined it dear God…and for your forgiveness I will beg of you…but for her forgiveness dear Lord I will give my life."

I fought desperately day in and day out with a conscience that was unrelenting and I passed her apartment everyday to see with dismay the fact that I knew so deep in my heart…he was over and he was loving her. If anything in this world will ever teach you a lesson let me tell you it is this:

If the most beautiful gift is bestowed upon you and you take it for granted for too long, then it will be taken away. If you fight to get it back then maybe you do really want it…but shame on you if you take it for granted again. Because then it shall be given to another and you will lose it forever.

Now it is present day that I write this story. My life is still numb and cold and my heart still aches on occasion for the fact I have lost my love. But I have gained maybe even more from the experience and knowledge is power. I have learned that in order to truly love someone (and be happy with them) you need to learn to love yourself for who you are. And I used to ask myself, "How do I know if I love myself or not?" Well, I have the answer for that as well. If you wake up in the morning and you have regrets than that is normal and that is human. But if you wake up every morning, realize your regrets and then spend the day beating yourself up over them…then you cannot really love yourself enough to be happy. If you ever contemplate hurting yourself or worse case scenario killing yourself then you cannot possibly love yourself.

Getting over someone you love is not easy and there is not a prescription or miracle drug in the world that can cure that. Just a good old-fashioned dose of time. Patience is a virtue that has been really hard for me to grasp in my life…but I learned that a day at a time and a goal a day will help keep you focused and sane. When you wake up in the morning and you are doing something whether it be taking a shower, eating breakfast, exercising, walking the dog, driving your car…what ever – set yourself a daily goal and once that goal is achieved reward yourself. But remember set a goal that isn’t too easy but not impossible either. It can even be a goal to make SOMEONE else happy. There is not greater high than making someone feel good about themselves…it will come back ten fold I promise you.

So if you are a person right now who is in love with someone…why don’t you tell them you love them. Why don’t you say, my darling, I have HOPE for our future and I know that we are going to make it (be optimistic in everything you do). Why don’t you say, my darling, I want to be HONEST with you and never tell you a lie…I want you to know that I will never lie to you and you can trust me (there is no greater feeling than being trusted and living up to that trust). But most of all why don’t you say, my darling, I LOVE YOU! Because love makes the world go round. Please never take your loved one(s) for granted…I hope nobody ever has to go through these feelings. But if you do, know that IT does get better and there are people out there like you who are going through it too. And who knows…God works in mysterious ways…Rebekka and I may still end up together…maybe you and your loved one will too. Like I said, always be optimistic in everything you do.

Below are some of the actual letters and things I wrote to Rebekka that no one else has seen until now:

"This is where it all begins and still this is where it all ends. I began my loneliness and misery here and again here I sit with these hot tears of pain running constantly and no one by my side. Here I sit without her…without my future wife in my arms. Without her even in my sight. Where do they all go when you need them the most? But it’ll be all right."

"I Remember"

A warmth that bled out of me in rivers…

And yet I did not notice it.

A thankless being who thought he was trapped…

But had so much to learn.

A dangerous person who with mere words…

Killed the most beautiful thing in his life.

A lost soul running from his prior life to find the inevitable…

A future that mimicked his past.

I REMEMBER A CERTAIN:

Smile.

Tear.

Laugh.

Hug.

Kiss.

Frown.

Look.

Holiday.

Fragrance.

Word.

Feeling.

Love that I took for granted, and now I must pay.

I wonder why I cannot get over her? I keep trying and yet she is all I can think about. I focus on things that I need to get done and only a matter of minutes later I am holding the phone debating calling her. I can’t get her out my EVERY thought and I am going crazy because of it. I can’t stay mad at her…and when I am mad at her it feels like I have the lost the World. I lift weights and do exercises. I start to watch movies but I can’t concentrate. I jump on and off the Internet to see if she is online. And yet all the time I try to act not obsessed…but God help me I have fallen so deeply in love with this girl that I can’t even concentrate on a single simple task.

I know she says I must be a manic-depressive because of my moods…but I just think I am so in love and it scares the SH*T out of me. I start to get close and become comfortable and something bad happens so I get mad…but I don’t want to stay mad so I find a reason to get happy again. And then I am happy until I start to get comfortable again and then I just know that something is going to happen to wreck this feeling and then I see something that upsets me and maybe I take it too far. But what if she is just playing with me and she is scared to tell me the truth…I would rather have the truth now instead of later. I don’t want to get a letter saying she is in love with another and she just wants to be friends. If that is to happen then I want that to happen now…it will be terribly hard for me to grasp…but I will understand and know that she is the one who is losing the most. I don’t want to be her backup plan. I don’t want to be her "Just In Case"…I want to be her one and only true love like before.

"I went from love to lonely and back again.

I left behind my fears and submitted to my tears.

I held on to my dreams until the light faded away.

I heard about my life and knew it was to stay."

"She was so beautiful as she walked through the golden leaves. Her hair waved in the wind and she smiled briefly as her eyes met mine. For that instant I knew love as it clutched my heart and kissed me softly so deep within. I felt like screaming out loud to the world the confessions of my heart. I felt like crying because of how powerfully it had struck me. I felt like dying because the next time I would get to see her was so far away if even it was only five minutes.

I have a need inside. It is a soft glow that enraptures my heart. It holds a pinkish hue that only a rose petal can possess. It is the warmest feeling of security and dignity. It is non-judging and delicate. I have the need to be caressed and held. I have the need to share my feelings with someone that will share theirs too. I have a need for love. To give it and to receive it….that is what I have lost. I have earned my endeavor. I made sure not to stop until every bridge has been burned or scalded. I have made sure not to leave myself any choice or any guess for another path"

"I have made a lot of mistakes in my past. Even now as I write this I think, with tears in my eyes, how perfect this opportunity is to tell someone what a wonderful woman my ex-wife is. You see I am twenty years old now and my ex is twenty as well...but we met at the young age of seventeen and fell in love. We went through so much hardships and we fought through much of our relationship. And I guess for the young, scared, confused kid I was...I lost sight of the one woman in the world who actually made me feel like myself. Her name is Rebekka and I love her with all my heart. She has stood behind every decision I have ever made and she always pushed me to be the best I can be. That is why I know that I will succeed because for once in my life I am going to show her that all that pushing finally paid off. I am going to make her proud of me."

"I wanted to put in writing what I can’t seem to tell you in person. I love you so much and you know this. All I want in life is you. It is you that makes me want to live from day to day and to not give up. I feel so lost and hopeless when I think of you happy with someone else. So I am sorry I put all that on you. I will not give up…not yet….I have to keep trying. I don’t know how…but I do know that it is you that makes me happy. I do not want to find anyone else or try for anyone else….I wish I could start over with you. I think of those days with you dropping me off everyday after school…and that was ME. That was who I was. After all these years of confusion and pain I lost myself. I want to get back in touch with myself (that individual I was) and show you that I can still be him and I can get rid of this other me forever. Do you know what I mean? I want to do it right SO BAD!!!

If I could be the one to make you happy, then that alone would make me happy. I would give up everything I have to be with you now. My car, my computer, my television and DVD’s and CD’s and EVERYTHING!!! Just if I could make you smile…and know that you love me and ONLY me forever and ever.

But…I burned those chances right…..so you cannot do that….and all that feeling that I just had in those last two paragraphs washes away and leaves me empty feeling."

~There, Art Thou Happy~

In this state of mind I sit with my dreams falling before my eyes into ashes that coat my heart with darkness. I feel death every second I am apart from her…and yet I live to write my obituary…

"Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."

I yearn to gaze into her eyes…as only a lover would. I daydream of kneeling before her with her soft hand in mine and resting my lips tenderly upon that gentle touch.

"My lips…two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

In a prayer I see my goals so far ahead of me and I beg for help. I need to get out of this routine life. I need to move on from this and find another with whom will return my love given and not ask any of me but myself. This opened upon reopened scar of my heart must heal with only time or another's fresh love due fill.

Must I start over and begin anew with someone who knows me not? Shall I show another all I can offer with her trust and soul in my heart to protect and promise a life that I cannot promise to myself?

I fail to see the meaning of her actions that treat me so wrongly. I should let her go and move on….that they all say to me. That they say to her…leave him be. So unhappy am I without her and so unhappy is she without me… so why are lies told from hearts and games played so rudely when the truth shall set all binded hearts free?

I shall teach my heart, then, to not love her, as I have had to do before. But only true love or true time have I learned can remedy such a pained heart.

Reflections of honest feelings bring truths to mind that shine light upon this darkened life of mine.
Memories of feelings shared show that my feelings are mutual in this life of pain and torment and I am not alone…

"Sometimes the worst or hardest events in life bring people close together...sometimes you even find love when you are least looking for it …"

"The future and your happiness are more important than the past... you need to look at who she is now and not who she used to be…"

I am not alone and oddly this brings comfort to me. My eyes shall shine again full of love and happiness. I shall wake up one morning with the curtains blowing softly and the sun dancing it's morning rise upon my chest…and then I will see that the one I love lies next to me and I will forget these past wars between hearts. One day all the pieces will fit and one day I will be happy again…oh Lord I will pray tonight you bring this day close to me.

"Yond light is not daylight I know it, I. It is some meteor that the sun exhales…to light thee on thy way to Mantua."

Let me now go dream of better days that call upon better nights and I will awake with a renewed passion for life and a goal to set this hostile past where it belongs…in my past.

 

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